good opening jokes for best man speech

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Top Best Man Speech Openers For Every Style

14th Apr, 2020

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You’re honoured to have been asked to be the best man but you’ve got no idea how to start your speech. We get it…your best man speech opener is the icebreaker your audience have all been waiting for. They’re tired, they want food and they want you to sit down quickly. So this is your chance to get them on side, have some fun and create a special/hilarious wedding speech moment that the bride and groom will laugh at, love and remember.

Keep our top tips in mind for your speech intro, length and tone and then head onto the jokes / opening lines / icebreakers!

Don’t focus on you.
Keep it under 5 minutes (3 is better).
Tell a short anecdote about the couple that celebrates (and maybe ribs) their relationship.
And finally, choose 1 or 2 good jokes that showcase your humour and the tone of the day.

So, without further ado…we give you our top 40 best man speech intros, jokes and openers.

Best Man Speech Openers

Step 1: Inhale helium balloon. Step 2: Give speech.
“History really does have a way of repeating itself. X years ago, (bride’s name)’s parents were sending her off to bed with a dummy. And today they’re doing it all over again.”
“(Bride’s name), you’re a truly special woman and you deserve a wonderful husband. And I’m not going to rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.”
“Fornication…..(cough) sorry, excuse me. For an occasion….such as this…”
“Just some quick housekeeping, ladies and gentleman. Firstly, if you’ve got your mobile phone on you…please make sure to keep it switched ON during the speech, for your own entertainment. And secondly, if you see any good jokes in your scrolling, be sure to forward them on to me.”
“I’d like to offer a toast to the bride and groom…(pull out a piece of toast from coat pocket and give it to them).”
“Those of you that know me, know that I’m not big on making speeches”…(Sit down)
“I have been (groom’s name)’s mate since Wednesday this week. I was the successful applicant to an ad he put online asking to pose as his friend. Apparently I got the position by default having been the only one to apply.”
“Some of you have asked me how I’ll cope now that I’m flying solo socially without my best mate…Honestly? I’m thrilled. Now I’ll finally be the best looking man in the room.”
If you are the groom’s twin: “I’m not the groom but I do appreciate that at least 4 people so far have congratulated me. Also, if you gave me an envelope, I’m keeping it.”
For the Princess Bride fans out there: “Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us together today…”
“The bride and groom have requested that I don’t share any embarrassing stories, stag do pranks or crude jokes…so that’s it from me! Thanks for your attention.”
“Now, ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something beautiful. Something so truly magical that words can hardly express. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/4 course meal.”
If you’re following someone else’s speech: “Ditto.”
“(Bride’s name) please put your hand flat on the table. (Groom’s name) please place your hand on top of hers. Now, enjoy this moment (groom’s name), because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.”
“To the bride and groom. My only wish for you is that each day of your marriage is better than the previous, so that you can look back on today, your wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of your life.”
“For those of you who can’t hear me at the back, you should be reassured by the complete silence in the front row here. You’re not missing much.”
“Most of you know the bride well and that she is a loving and caring person. She deserved to find someone truly special to marry. I just thank God (groom’s name) married her before she found one.”
“A wedding is such an emotional day for everyone. Even the cake is in tiers.”
“When (groom’s name) first told me he was thinking about popping the big question, I have to admit my heart started racing. Then I realised he meant (bride’s name) and I just put those dreams back in the box.”
“(Groom’s name) said that If I do a good job here I can be the best man at his next wedding.”
“I did a quick poll before the reception today to see who was on the bride or groom’s side. And I’m happy to report that the wedding crashers are seated on tables 2 and 11. Security.”
For 2nd weddings only: “Welcome back.”
“Now, I know I can trust you all that any personal details I tell you about (groom’s name) today won’t go any further than the 150 guests in this room, your families, friends, workmates, casual acquaintances and anyone you choose to share them with on social media and the local radio call in show.”
“I’d like to start by congratulating (groom’s name) on his excellent taste in best men. He’s truly outdone himself this time.”
For Lord of The Rings (LOTR) fans: “Looking out I see a lot of familiar faces, and a lot of faces that are new to me. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
“When (groom’s name) asked me to be his best man, the first thing I did was Google ‘the perfect best man speech’, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m just going to wing it.”
“I did a lot of research before writing this speech and the best advice I came across was to open with something that’s relevant to everyone here. So, everyone…your cars have all been stolen.”
“(Groom’s name) knows his wife so well. When I asked him what her favourite flower was, he instantly replied ‘self-raising’.”
“Could I ask everyone to stand for a quick toast? There are some really important people who, without them, none of this here today would have any meaning…To the bartenders.”
“A wise man once told me that a best man speech is like a miniskirt. It should be short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the goods.”
“Hi everyone, I’m (your name). I’m here to tell you about (groom’s name) and how truly special, talented, good looking and…sorry mate, I can’t read your handwriting here.”
“Hi everyone, my name is (your name) and I’m (groom’s name)’s best man. That’s right. It took him (X) years but he has FINALLY admitted I’m the best.”
“Apparently, it’s tradition in a best man’s speech to sing the groom’s praises and talk up his better qualities. But sorry, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.”
“(Groom’s name) had the honour of being my best man. He took months crafting a perfect, tender and charming speech. It made the whole room laughing and crying in equal measure. Everyone agreed it was beautiful. Unfortunately I’m a married man, so I haven’t had the time to do all that.”
“I heard people were taking bets on the length of the best man speech. Well, I bet on myself for 45 minutes and I am sure as hell getting that money back. So, strap yourselves in…we’ll be here for a while.”
“I once read the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So the time has come! Please raise a glass to the happy couple!”
“The beautiful meal you’re about to be served was charged per head. So, on the special couple’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…”
“Before I start my speech, I think it would be appropriate if we all stood for a moment’s silence…To the memory of the 2,000 potatoes, 200 salmon, countless roses and baby’s breath flowers that selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding possible.”
“I would like to congratulate (groom’s name) on his impeccable taste in choosing such a beautiful wife. And (bride’s name), well done on saying ‘I do’ to my mate (groom’s name), because, let’s face it – that must have been hard.”

If you’ve given a truly epic best man speech that has gone down in wedding history, send us your speech text ! We’ll add any pearlers to the list or feature it on The Stag’s Balls blog.

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Image credit: Pxhere

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